I am gaining much more from my meditations than I ever thought I would. Aside from relaxing my body and mind, it is in those quiet moments that I am most able to hear the voice of my God. During the bustle of daily life, my mind is in constant overdrive. If I have ever had a shallow experience, I don't remember it. Everything that happens in my life effects me very strongly. And because of the analytical way in which I process everything, I spend about as much time living inside of my own head as I do living externally...which can be kind of exhausting. Needless to say, this makes turning off the "brain chatter" for about an hour incredibly challenging. Yet also just as rewarding. Introspective by nature, it allows me to sink deeper into the nature of what's really driving my thoughts. An invitation to take a closer look at myself on a spiritual level, that turns my mind into the best tool for actualizing the nebulous concepts in my head into practical applications for living in a new state of awareness.
Last night, I woke up at about 3am, randomly. I was dreaming about Cernunnos, although I don't remember what He was saying. I have these dreams often, where I'll see Him apparently out of nowhere. Protective. Watchful. He will be a running theme or presence in my dreams, even though they don't necessarily pertain to Him at the start. Sometimes we will have conversations and I won't remember the things He says, yet I'll wake up in the best, most positive mood. Last night, I skipped my meditation. I was tired, and I kinda just wanted to fuck around on Facebook and stuff before going to sleep. I had the incense ready, the candles were set out. I apologized, and told Him that tonight, I just wanted to relax.
That familiar wave of warm energy washed over me, making me shake with the intensity of it. His reply was blunt, but well intentioned. As is His way.
"You either want to be a Witch, or you do not. You possess much potential, but you will not be an expert at using it overnight. There will be times you do not feel like doing the work involved...yet if you cannot muster enough will to discipline yourself on a small scale...how can you hope to do so on a larger one?"
Ever the wise instructor. The only way I can describe how He "talks" to me, is through sensation. Often I hear His teachings in words. Filtered through emotion. I "feel" what He has to say. This may seem a strange concept to some people, and once it may have sounded a little crazy to me. If someone told me they heard the voice of God in their head, I'd probably raise my eyebrows and just nod. But ever since I first met Him, this is simply how the connection has been. How He has revealed Himself to me. A case could be made that psychologically, I'm merely connecting with my own sub-conscious, and I would agree. However, not in the way that most people understand it.
I believe that when you connect with Deity, you ARE also delving into an aspect of your own personality. So on that end, yes, I am listening to my own inner voice. However, I also believe that there is no part of us that ISN'T resident in God. So. This archetype of myself also has definition in the form of an external entity. I can say this because I have experienced Cernunnos on an external level as well, what I would say is tangible evidence of His presence.
But I digress. Nevertheless, He was right. But I went to sleep anyway. Only for Him to wake me up with an insatiable desire to journal. (I should've just stayed awake in the first place. He's rather insistent with what He jokingly calls my "homework," and I've noticed that if I don't do it, there ends up being some circumstance that compels me to.)
I would definitely say that He's the facilitator of my rebirth. A new outlook; a deeper understanding of life, with a magnified sense of hope and ambition. Yet in doing so, He is exercising His "dark" aspect of Death in a figurative way. Destruction of one thing, to generate new life. He forces me to acknowledge my deepest doubts and unanswered questions. My fears as well as my dreams. For me to grow--to evolve, I am having to die to the parts of myself that are holding me back. His lessons right now focus on my freedom from inhibition. Healing my spirit of the damage I've done to myself. How the cycles that take place in nature; life, death, and rebirth--are also an internal process at work within my own soul.
I am so used to thinking from an Abrahamic mindset, that I sometimes worry about the fact that this path fulfills my spirit in a way that encompasses my whole being. There are times when I worry about being "wrong." I have been geared to think that there is only one way of connecting with God. And so, much of this journey thus far has been me letting go of the pain and frustration I had with Christianity. It first began with me admitting to myself that I didn't agree with the teachings of the Bible, or that I even found the Abrahamic concept of God to be a moral one. It then led me to ponder, "What if God exists outside of the bubble I've been inculcated in?" It is there that Cernunnos met me at the crossroads. And the Old One has been a fast friend ever since.
A problem I had as a Christian was self-expression. There were "earthly" or "worldly" things, (which were of course "bad.") And then there was the mold you were supposed to fit into on a spiritual level, which involved estranging yourself from any mode of thought, pleasure, or experience that did not fit with what the Bible SAID you should believe. It then became a struggle of being myself, or following the teachings of others out of fear. And I couldn't do it anymore.
This is not a transitory experience; this life. I am not here as a passenger, on my way to somewhere else. To imply such is to say that nothing on this world matters. When the whole fact of its existence matters. If one is to say, "Well, this world is doomed anyway, the only thing that matters is what's on the other side," you throw out every Human struggle, every element of diversity, and it becomes easy to engage in an attitude of cynicism toward anything that DOESN'T have to do with Christian teaching. At best, this life is seen as a testing ground for one thing: Whether or not you accept Jesus as your savior. Why involve yourself in making the world a better place if it's ultimately fallen? Why invest yourself in ANYTHING? It's not realistic. This is where we are NOW. The things of this world are not evil, nor is the "spiritual" more important than the physical. There is no physical experience, that is not a spiritual experience. Christians say, "Not of this World." I proudly declare that I am.
I believe that God is both immanent, and transcendent. That is to say, that God exists both outside of us, and within all of Earthly creation. I do not believe that there is a disconnect between Man and God; a separation. Why? Because I see no evidence of it being so. How can a Creator that is omnipresent in all things be separate from itself? I see God in the trees. I see God's face in the sun, and hear His voice on the wind. In the smiles of my friends, and in the roar of a waterfall. The whisper of a breeze, and the songs sung by birds. All is sacred. But Humans do not always treat it as such. And therein lies the disconnect. (If one were to exist.)
The only reason we appreciate light is by understanding darkness. I believe we were designed to learn, that our module of life was never intended to focus solely on the things that are "good." Christianity teaches that the world is intrinsically disordered. That nature is out of balance. Yet perection is not balance. Permanent light is not balance without a foil. Life without death has no meaning. We would not appreciate happiness if we didn't know what it is to feel sad. We wouldn't have dreams and goals if there were no adversities to rise above. Things are exactly as they are meant to be: for eternal bliss and comfort are not necessarily good things.
It is when you are drawn out of your comfort zone; when you are confronted with things that make you unhappy, that you are given the chance to grow. Living in harmony with this natural balance of life grants an equilibrium, whereas pretending it does not (and should not) exist, is useless. Because this is the only way the world has, and ever will be. I'm not saying people shouldn't strive for happiness: rather that we wouldn't, if it were merely granted to us.
The challenge then, is shaping your reality by defining what sort of experience you wish to have. This is our gift, and the freedom we've been given. To use our powers of creation to shape the world before us. I believe we were put on this Earth simply to be. And for some, that isn't enough, but it is more than enough. For it can be whatever we will it to be. We just have to dream a little bigger. I think it much more probably that after creation, our Creator had no ulterior motive other than existing alongside us in this simulacrum for the sheer pleasure of it. The concepts of good over evil did not exist until we realized there was something to choose other than what positively affected the lives of others.
To me, that which is "good" are the things that honour, perpetuate, and generate abundance of positivity. Generosity. Kindness. Love. Treating others the way you wish to be treated. The only reason I can say this, is because I know how poorly it makes me feel when I'm living in lack. Regardless of whether they've been penned in a holy book, or by the government, Human morality is given definition and boundary solely by the Human mind. This world is not broken. And that scares some people.
Because the way this world is?
Is the only lens of life that we will ever see through.
"Look at the world around you. To see God, you must know that God is in everything. part of every person. Every animal. Every plant, and tree. God is everywhere. Therefore, when you understand yourself, and the world you live in...you understand God."
-Cernunnos
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